It's not too bad!
Today I racked my porter clone (hereafter "Blackacre Butte Porter") into the secondary fermenter and sampled the results. For flat, warm beer, it was mighty tasty. The hops:malt ratio is a little higher than I sought, but this can be attributed to the incompetent mashing and sparging of last week. The gravity at this stage is 1.006, leaving me with about 3.2% ABV -- my beer is safe to drink in Utah!
The lesson I learned today was: don't ferment in a plastic bucket; ferment in a glass carboy. Why? Apparently when I sealed the lid on the bucket, I sealed it right tight, so when I went to open it I needed a pair of vice grips to bend the plastic lip of the lid to get the damn thing off. The glass will be a teeny tiny less convenient when filling the first time, but other than that it will be the same as the bucket.
Next week: bottling!
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